Today, I came across this post of mine from a body modification community of which I am a member. I remember my feelings from that time so clearly. Though it was over 8 months ago, I'm still experiencing the changes in my life. It's a joyous journey. Enjoy!
2004/02/03 18:30 Rattling around inside of me is this other person. This person is everything I am not. She's brave and ballsy and talented and beautiful, loving and cruel, wise and childlike. I let her out for a peek, a potty break, a quick drink at the local bar. But most of the time I keep her inside and quiet.
Why? I haven't known the answer to that question for a very long time. I think I knew, once. Knew what it felt like to be powerful and sweet, feeling the earth moving, being connected to it all. I cut myself off a long time ago and locked that part away, hidden, so the world would never see who I really was, hiding behind layer upon layer.
Who is anyone anyways? We all have our masks, our demons, our addictions, our loves. Why should I be any different?
But I'm changing. Realizing now that the person I hid away...I did so out of fear. And I eventually let that fear rule my life.But I'm changing, letting go. What was I so afraid of? What drove me to hide myself behind food? What hurt so bad that I needed to consume the world in order to feel safe? I don't know.
But I'm changing. Letting go. Feeling outer layers of myself stripping away like layers of old paint only to discover the expensive hardwood flooring beneath. I feel exposed. Scared but not helpless. I am alone, but not lonely.
And I'm changing.